The Role of Religion

A conversation lately has got me thinking. We were discussing abortion, and I mentioned one of my personal beliefs (I’m not going to go into that right here, but suffice to say that I’m pro-life) in relation to the conversation, and one of my friends swept it off by saying that I’m a Catholic. Now, I don’t deny that fact – of course not. I’m proud to be a Catholic, despite all her slams on the religion. However, as I’ve said before, I consider myself Catholic because I believe in most of what the Church says. I do not, however, believe all of what the Church says because I am Catholic.

Now, I admit that my upbringing as a Catholic affects a lot of my personal decisions, because of course your upbringing affects you. But, my upbringing in the Church is not all that makes up my personal beliefs, because I’ve been exposed to so many other things. So when I have an opinion on a moral issue that I’ve actually considered quite a bit (the topic of abortion is one of my strongest moral opinions), I don’t think it’s fair to brush that opinion off as the result of just one factor.

And even if it is solely because I’m a Catholic, if I’m an informed one, then what difference does it make? Does it being a Catholic opinion make it any less of a valid opinion? Of course, not everyone is Catholic, but they dislike it when I tell them they are wrong purely because they are Lutheran/Methodist/Baptist/Mormon/Buddhist/Hindu/Jewish/Whatever, yet that’s the attitude I get from some people – “Because you are Catholic, you are wrong”. On that note, I also get, “Because you are a Catholic, you believe you are better than me,” or, “Because you are a Catholic, you believe I’m going to Hell,” or “Because you are a Catholic, you cannot curse/get angry/like anime/like rock music/like science/whatever.” But they claim not to like being stereotyped.

I don’t know, really, why I’m typing this except to see if someone else has similar experiences – not necessarily with being Catholic, but with any part of their life. I’ve experienced this in other places, too, of course, but Catholicism is what’s on my mind right now. I guess I also want to know if anyone else shares my view of the beliefs choosing the religion, instead of the religion choosing the beliefs.

And, don’t get me wrong, I can take a joke. Because of our belief in transubstantiation, my friend calls Catholics cannibals, teasingly, whenever I bring it up (though, we also drink the Blood of Christ. Does that mean we’re cannibal/vampires? Coolio). I get that, it’s cute, and I don’t mind a joke. But she also realizes that being a Catholic doesn’t necessarily mean my opinions are always 100% with the Church (for instance, I support the death penalty in some cases).

(Also posted on my deviantArt account, Hannah-Kerela)

Sherlock Holmes

Go see it. Now. If you have any respect at all for the series, you will love it. There are a few canonical issues (chief among them being Holmes “meeting Mary for the first time”), but all in all it is an engaging film – a little heavy on the action side, but that is certainly tolerable. They pulled off the whole “supernatural-turns-scientific” plot well, and I will admit I was pleasantly surprised that everything had a logical explanation – Holmes and the supernatural do not mix without a fair dose of reason, as I’m sure those of you who read the stories know very well already. The romance aspect was very well done – it wasn’t a major plot point, and where it did feature, it was subdued and classy.

Tl;dr: I loved the movie, go watch it.

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A Hard Decision, Pt. 1

This is just sort of something I decided to write on a whim, and figured I’d post here. Written in first person because I can.

Nelra, Texas is a fictional town in Collin County. The name is 100% inspired by King of the Hill’s Arlen.
—

At the beginning of my junior year of high school, it seemed to most that I was set up for success. I was in AP Calculus, AP English, AP French III, and AP US History, as well as pre-AP Physics. I was taking psychology and sociology. I was a GT kid, though there was no longer a specific class for it, and, while I didn’t know my exact class ranking, I was in the higher ranks, it was certain. And everyone knew I was smart, definately smart enough to handle all of this. My hair was finally learning to behave itself (for the most part), and I looked alright in my new clothes. Besides, my name was Alaia – Basque for “joy”. How could I not be happy?

But that was just the thing: I wasn’t happy. I was dreading the first day of school, because there was no way I wanted to step into the theater. I’d been placed in the second class, which, while that was good, I supposed, it wasn’t good enough for me. I was loathe to spend another year being second-best. but I’d committed, so I would do it.

I’d managed most of the summer to keep my discontent mostly to myself. I’d even gone to an acting camp over the summer to prepare for a regional competition. Sure, I lost sleep over it, but as long as everyone thought I was okay, then I was, right?

A little bit about my personal life at the time. I lived in Nelra, Texas, which is near Dallas. I had just turned 16 over the summer, but didn’t even have a driving permit yet. Family life was a little tough, since we were in a bit of debt, but we were getting by somehow. There was some issues in the extended family, but I could usually ignore that unless the aunt and uncle in question came up. I spent most of my time on the computer, chatting with my friends via Trillian Basic. Mostly, I chatted with five people: Sunny, near San Francisco, who was a fanfic writer for two of my favorite fandoms; Pearl, near Memphis that was a blast to talk to; Wendi, near Houston that I loved to role-play with and that I loved to talk to; and my two best friends, both of whom lived here in Nelra, Miranda and Latoya.

It was about two weeks before school started when I was up late, talking to Sunny about how I didn’t want school to start back up. She asked which class I was dreading the most, and, I had to be honest with her: it was theater.

I ended up spilling the entire thing about how I hated being in the second class, and how, while I deserved the placement for the audition I gave the teacher, I felt like he’d known me all year, and that he should have known me well enough to put me in the top class, especially when girls who didn’t work half as hard as I did were moved up.

GlimmerousFops: Yeah, that does seem kind of suckish.
LeilaKalomi: I just feel like total *crap* whenever I’m in second class.
GlimmerousFops: Well, if it’s not making you feel good about yourself, it’s probably not good for you.
LeilaKalomi: But if I dropped it, my friend would be majorly pissed at me.
GlimmerousFops: Is keeping that friend worth your happiness?

It was at this point that I turned to Latoya to talk to her, since she knew the friend in question (Miranda), where Sunny didn’t.

LeilaKalomi: Is it bad that I want to drop theater?
Heirofrosetorrio: …Um, why?
LeilaKalomi: I don’t want to spend another year in second class.
Heirofrosetorrio: Do you still want to be a theater teacher?
LeilaKalomi: I don’t know.
LeilaKalomi: I do, but at the same time, I’m wondering if I’m any good at it.
Heirofrosetorrio: You *are* good at it. I mean, the reason I quit choir was that I was tired of being in second band. But I didn’t want to make a career out of it.
Heirofrosetorrio: Do you want to be a theater teacher because that’s all you’ve considered, or are you really sure?
LeilaKalomi: To be honest, I haven’t considered much else. But Miranda would be so upset if I dropped choir.
Heirofrosetorrio: Don’t let it be about other people. Make it about you. Focus on where you are, where you want to be, and then fill in the gaps.
LeilaKalomi: Psychology sounds kind of interesting, actually… I like helping people sort through their problems.
Heirofrosetorrio: You’d be good at psychology, I think. Though I wonder what it would be like to be scared of my best friend.
Heirofrosetorrio: I still have that fear of counselors, psychologists, and the like.
LeilaKalomi: Well, I can always try it, and if it doesn’t work out, I can drop theater at semester.
Heirofrosetorrio: That you can.

So I had my plan: I would at least do the first semester of Theater, which also gave me time to do the regional auditions I wanted to do. And, then, if I didn’t think I could take it, I’d go in and talk to my counselor about switching classes.

Now I just had to discuss this plan with Miranda. That was a talk I was dreading, for sure. But I couldn’t back down on this, not when it felt so good to know that I wasn’t trapped – that I only had to last a semester. As my AP World History teacher had told us the year before, “You can do anything for one semester.”

And I intended to prove her right. I had to prove her right, because I did have to survive at least this one semester. As much as I loved theater, it was a relief to know that I could cut myself free if I had to.

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Reminiscing

This is probably bad for my health, but I went back and looked at Evelon today. Like, really looked. I haven’t been on in forever, but at the same time, I don’t think I really missed it. I do feel bad that I totally ditched Baal (I’d been making avatars for her before I completely dropped off), but at the same time I don’t think I can drag myself back. I’m actually logged in, right now, though, and looking at my old zoo pen.

Which makes me wonder; why did I let such a small event drag me away? I really enjoyed Evelon, for a time, but then after that one event it slowly began to lose its charm. I don’t blame anyone but myself, of course, but I have to wonder if I’d still be there if it weren’t for that.

That’s the problem with community-based sites. Once you stop feeling like part of the community, you lose your interest. If I had a true friend on there (well, I do have a true friend that’s signed up on there, but she’s been as inactive as I have), maybe I could get back on, but I don’t think I really want to.

I almost wonder if anyone even remembers me, though I do doubt it quite a bit. I don’t mind that, either. I mean, I’d like to think that they do, but at the same time… I don’t think I’d be upset to find out they don’t.

I feel like a dork, now, for sitting here discussing all this, but it feels good to talk about it.

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Shadow-Kissed

Ok, my last post was a bit dark, I admit, but like I said, I was in a bad mood. Actually, I am right now, too, but that’s another story that I’m not prepared to tell the world yet. This post is much brighter, and bloodier – it’s to test out how much of a sugar high I can give myself

If any of you have never read the Vampire Academy novels, then I have one thing to say to you: THEY ROCK. I haven’t read the first (named, aptly, Vampire Academy), but I read the second (Frostbite) a while back, and today (after the incredibly boring and short Math TAKS) read the third (Shadow Kiss).

The idea of a shadow-kissed person seeing ghosts made me think, oddly, of House (if you haven’t watched House recently, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!: Kutner is dead, House can’t sleep, Amber is haunting House (ish)). Maybe he was revived from some accident and Amber is there to warn him off of some great dangerous illness that is coming to inflict the ENTIRE WORLD–

…Oh, right. This isn’t Trauma Center: UTC, is it? Drat, and seeing Angie and House interact would be so funny. Hell, seeing Derek and House interact would be funny. In any case, if House WAS shadow-kissed, then that would mean that he had some sort of bond to someone. So I guess we can’t count on that ever happening. Unless Cuddy gets awesome spirit magic.

Yeeeeah, not likely.

Desultory Ramblings, Rantings, and Reflections

des·ul·to·ry
Function:
adjective
1 : marked by lack of definite plan, regularity, or purpose

It’s the night before the Math TAKS, and the AP exam for World History is lurking just around the corner. Tensions are running high, but that’s no excuse for some of the stuff I’ve put up with recently. I just need a vent for some of this emotion, and a safe one. This is the best place for that… But I’m sick of keeping things to myself, so this goes out in the open. Keep in mind that I’m in a bad mood as I type this, and that I’m tired. I’ll try to keep things somewhat organized, though.

All definitions come from the free online dictionary

cock·y (kk)
adj. cock·i·er, cock·i·est
Overly self-assertive or self-confident.

I was told today that I’m cocky and that I complain too much. Or, rather, I was told by my best friend that she called me that behind my back. I know it’s unreasonable to expect people to read my mind, but when I walked over to get away from the noise… You would think that someone would realize that being alone isn’t my idea of “fun” or even “good” by any stretch of the imagination. Now, I’ll admit that I can get overly self-confident, and yes I’m opinionated, but talking about me behind my back is out of line.

trust
Verb
1. to believe that (someone) is honest and means no harm: my father warned me never to trust strangers
2. to feel that (something) is safe and reliable: I don’t trust those new gadgets
3. to entrust (someone) with important information or valuables: she’s not somebody I would trust with this sort of secret
4. to believe that (someone) is likely to do something safely and reliably: I wouldn’t trust anyone else to look after my child properly
5. to believe (a story, account, etc.)
6. to expect, hope, or suppose: I trust you’ve made your brother welcome here
Noun
1. confidence in the truth, worth, reliability, etc., of a person or thing; faith: he knew that his father had great trust in him
2. the obligation of someone in a responsible position: he was in a position of trust as her substitute father
Adjective
of or relating to a trust or trusts: trust status [Old Norse traust help, support, confidence]

Not that I’m not getting used to it. I nearly started crying today when Amanda told me that she was talking about me behind my back. Worse, that Timmy and Emily were letting her. I’m beginning to wonder if there’s anyone that I can trust in this city. I’ve gotten hurt plenty of times because people took out their frustration on me, yet that’s something I’m not allowed to do to them. I’m not on equal terms with anyone, it seems.

be·tray (b-tr)
tr.v. be·trayed, be·tray·ing, be·trays
1.
a. To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against: betray one’s country.
b. To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the Romans.
2. To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause; betray one’s better nature.
3. To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a secret.
4. To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh betrayed her contempt for the idea.
5. To reveal against one’s desire or will.
6. To lead astray; deceive.

I feel betrayed. I’ve felt betrayed for a while. Every time I get into an argument with Amanda, no matter how much I try not to talk to it about other people, because I know how much she hates it, it seems that lately, she tells someone else. And that hurts, because it’s as if she’s telling me indirectly that she can talk to other people about our fights, but I can’t. That hurts, more than she realizes. Especially when she told Brayden, because she knows that despite all my barbs and comments, I do consider him a friend. And then today… Emily and Timmy, however unintentionally, proved to me that I can’t trust them as much as I thought I could.

lone·ly (lnl)
adj. lone·li·er, lone·li·est
1.
a. Without companions; lone.
b. Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
2. Unfrequented by people; desolate: a lonely crossroads.
3.
a. Dejected by the awareness of being alone.
b. Producing such dejection: the loneliest night of the week.

I’ll admit: I’m lonely. Or I feel lonely. I feel like there’s no one I can talk to and just be candidly honest. Or, at least, no one that I can talk to frequently. Now, stop right there. Don’t think for one second that, somehow, having a boyfriend would magically solve my problems. I’m a big girl, I know that knights in white shining armor don’t exist. I’m used to not having a guy. What I need is simply someone that will accept me for what I am. No more, no less. I need someone that will let me be honest. People betraying my trust doesn’t exactly help in that respect.

…Ok, screw the definitions, I just can’t focus on that right now.

I suppose what hurts most of all is that, recently, I’ve felt more compassion from total strangers than I have from some of my closest friends. A fight at church a few weeks ago left me crying multiple times before Mass started. Amanda was there. The rest of the (church) choir was there. It wasn’t as if they didn’t know.

But there were two people that asked me if I was okay. Both of them were total strangers. I don’t know their names. Until you’ve felt that pain, of being ignored by the people you know, only to be seen by total strangers… You can’t know how much that hurt. How much that hurts still.

And, is it wrong of me to put this on my blog for the world to see? Perhaps, but others have done it with posts about me, even with my name. It’s not worth the effort to keep it hidden anymore.

All this being said, there is one good thing coming from recent days: I’m helping a friend finish a fanfic they (I’m not sure if I can reveal their identity or not) have been writing, and tossing ideas back and forth… It’s really fun, and really relaxing. I can be honest with what I think about things, and I can trust them to be honest back.

I’ve also rekindled my love for Star Trek, after finding a channel that shows The Next Generation reliably (Allow me to make this clear for all my readers: Picard and Janeway are the best, Sisko is acceptable, Archer is… okay, and Kirk is reckless and I would not trust him with my life (Spock, McCoy, and Scotty all rock, though).) That being said, allow me to part ways with you all by quoting the wise words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard:

“Make it so.”

Dancing Attornies and French Songs

Have you ever had one of those dreams that tells you that you’re addicted to someone? I’ve had plenty, but last night’s was by far one of my favorites. As a bit of background, before I get to explaining the dream:

My friend and I have a role-play going that is based firmly in the Ace Attorney universe. The basic premise is Miles/Phoenix, but in a new way – in our Alternate Universe, Phoenix “Feenie/Nick” Wright is and always has been the (female) Phyllis “Philly” Wright. The chemistry between the two has always been subtly there, but the tension quickly ascends to breaking point when, in court one day, Miles insults Philly’s intelligence without thinking. In order to apologize to her (he really is apologetic, don’t worry), he takes her out to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Afterwards, they head back to Miles’ house, because neither wants to end the night there. And then… Well, we’re not sure yet. o.o;

Also, I’ve become a fan of Carla Bruni (you might know her as the French/Italian singer who happens to be France’s first lady). Well, I’m a fan of one of her songs – Quelqu’un M’a Dit. The song has a very lilting melody, and happens to be a love song.

All this being said, here’s how the dream went:

The scene is set in an elaborate ballroom. Quite a few of the AA characters are there (including some time-paradoxes). The couple line-up certainly fits my tastes – we have Franziska/Gumshoe, Klavier/Ema, Apollo/Vera (okay, so I don’t like this one as much, but it’s okay I suppose), Larry/Maya, Diego/Mia… And so on and so forth. At the center of the ballroom is, naturally, Miles and Philly. Miles is in what is essentially a darker version of his usual attire, and Philly is in a navy blue dress. Everyone’s dancing, but what surprises me the most, really, is that Philly is singing along with the song, which is (ok, you can see this coming, right?) Quelqu’un M’a Dit. After the song, Miles gets down on one knee and proposes. Philly is shocked and opens her mouth to respond…

Then I wake up. Dangit.

(Anticlimactic? Yes, but true.)